so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize