Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
