She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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