Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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