Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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