Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
