Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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