Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
