This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
