I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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