She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
