Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
