so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
