I met the friendliest cop last night
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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