don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
