Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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