I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
