My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
