Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
where are my eyebrows?
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