At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
