umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
