I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
