Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
