PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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