He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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