if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
