I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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