Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
