so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
