Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
