I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
