Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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