My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize