I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
