So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
