my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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