the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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