I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
