You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
