I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
