she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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