remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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