lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He felt like a one man threesome
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
