DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
