I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
