if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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