I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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