So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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