why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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