do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He called his prostate his "boner button".
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
