Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
