I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
