New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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