Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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