found the other keg... it's in the tree
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
