On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
