So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize