we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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