i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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