just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
