I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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