Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
