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Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
