Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
