So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
