I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
