Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
