history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize