How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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